My room smells like vodka and shame
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
