I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
