What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
