hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
