im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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