Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was born a porn star she said
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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