This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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