I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
