it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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