So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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