I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Watching her eat just hurts me
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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