Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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