Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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