Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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