So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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