if only i could text you this smell
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
