Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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