Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
