I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
