I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
