VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
