I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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