I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
