Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
