Your mouth is God's brothel.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
