I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people are starting to question the shark bite story
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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