Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
