Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
