i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
