oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
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I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.