I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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