Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
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She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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