You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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