I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?