You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
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My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down