I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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