he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
