I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
