Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
