The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
