she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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