Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
