The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
