I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
