It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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