She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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