She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
