what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
