Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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