I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
