If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
