Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
