hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
