I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
is it fun? or sober?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
