Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
