did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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