Did you just see the Batmobile???
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
