where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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