Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
