Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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