I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
